“Imyaka ya mbere y’urugo rwacu yari myiza cyane mu mibonano y’abashakanye…ariko uko agenda akura(umugabo), ubona agenda abura ubushake bw’igitsina”.
Iyi ni imwe muri ‘comment’ nyinshi ku itsinda ryitwa r/DeadBedrooms ryo ku rubuga nkoranyambaga Reddit – itsinda abarigize bavuga ko “baganira ku buryo bitwara mu rushako rufite ikibazo gikomeye cyo kubura imibonano mpuzabitsina”.
Haba higanje imvugo z’abarakajwe n’ubucye cyangwa kubura burundu imibonano nabo bashakanye.
Umwe aribaza ati: “Kuki ahitamo ikiganza cye aho kugirana iminonano nanjye?”. Uru rubuga inyandiko iruranga igira iti: “Gutanga inama ni ingenzi buri gihe”.
Mu gihe ibi byaba ari inkuru isanzwe iramutse ivuzwe n’abashakanye barimo gukura, baba bagorwa no gukomeza ikibatsi kimaze imyaka za mirongo, abavuga iki kibazo ubu barimo abashakanye bari mu myaka 20 na 30.
Bamwe bavuga ko abana cyangwa inshingano bihagarika ubushake bwabo bw’iriya nshingano, abandi bavuga ko abagabo “b’ubushake bucye” bashobora kureba pornography zitarangira, ariko ntibizatere kwinyakura ngo bagire icyo bakora ku bagore babo.
Urutonde rw’imyidogo kuri ririya tsinda ni rurerure kuri aba bantu ahanini bo mu kigero cy’imyaka hagati ya 27 na 41 bazwi cyane nk’ikiragano cy’aba ‘millennials’.
Nubwo ubundi aba ‘millennials’ baba begereye cyangwa bageze ku gasongero k’igihe cy’imibonano myiza, bamwe muri bo muri iki gihe ahatandukanye ku isi “bagenda bananirwa n’imibonano”.
Ibivugwa n’abari kuri ririya tsinda rya r/DeadBedrooms bishimangira ibyo, cyane cyane mu bashakanye n’abandi babanye by’igihe kirekire.
Imibare imwe iheruka ivuga inkuru nk’iyi: Ubushakashatsi bwakozwe mu 2021 ku bantu bari hagati y’imyaka 18 na 45 muri Amerika, bwakozwe na Kinsey Institute ya Indiana University hamwe n’ikigo Lovehoney, bwerekanye ko mu bashakanye, aba ‘millenials’ aribo benshi bavuze ko “bagize ikibazo cy’ubushake bucye bwo gukora mibonano mu mwaka wari wabanje”
Ubwo bushakashatsi bwerekanye ko 25% by’aba millennials bashakanye bavuze ko bafite iki kibazo, mu gihe 10% bari abazwi nka Gen Z (aba ni abavutse hagati ya 1997 na 2012).
Nubwo “ubushake bucye buri gihe budasobanuye urushako rutarimo imibonano na micye”, nk’uko Justin Lehmiller umushakashatsi muri Kinsey Institute abivuga, “iyo umwe mu bubakanye atakaje ubushake bwo gutera akabariro, inshuro babikoraga ubundi ziragabanuka – kandi gutakaza ubushake ni imwe mu mpamvu zikomeye ingo zibura burundu iki gikorwa cy’imibonano.”
Ni ibiki birimo kuba mu by’ukuri? Abavuzi mu mibonano mpuzabitsina n’abashakashatsi batanga impamvu zinyuranye zisobanura iki kibazo mu ba millennials, kuva ku kiciro cy’ubuzima baba bagezemo kugera ku ngufu za internet.
Imiterere y’ikibazo cyo ’kudatera akabariro’
Hari ibisobanuro byinshi by’urushako rwabuze imibonano. Kimwe kirashe ku ntego: ‘Couple’ ntijya ihuza ibitsina na busa mu gihe kirekire. Ikindi gipimo cyagutse cy’abubakanye badatera akabariro ni ababikora munsi y’inshuro 10 ku mwaka.
Inzobere zavuganye na BBC Worklife nazo zifite ibitekerezo bitandukanye. Stephen Snyder, inzobere mu buvuzi bw’imibonano mpuzabitsina (Sex therapist) ukorera i New York, ati: “Ubundi ntekereza ‘kubura imibonano’ nko kuyikora inshuro enye ku mwaka cyangwa munsi yaho,” kereka iyo ‘couple’ ibaye “ibikora rimwe mu mezi atatu bombi bakaba bavuga ko bibanyuze”.
Kimberly Anderson, undi mu sex therapist n’umwalimu mu ishuri ry’ubuvuzi rya kaminuza ya UCLA muri Amerika, we avuga ko ‘imibonano micye’ ku bashakanye ari iri munsi y’inshuro 25 ku mwaka.
Abandi bavuga ko igisobanuro mu by’ukuri gitandukanye bitewe; niba couple itishimiye inshuro yiha akabyizi, icyo gihe haba hari ikibazo gikeneye igisubizo.
Impamvu nyinshi zishobora kuganisha ku kugabanuka cyangwa kubura burundu kw’imibonano mu bashyakanye.
Christene Lozano umu-sex therapist w’i California avuga ko mu gihe hari “ikibazo mu bushake” ibyo bigenda bikurana n’igihe mu gihe ‘couple’ idakoze ibikwiriye mu gushaka uko gikemuka.
Umuntu ushaka cyane imibonano agahora ari we uyitangiza ashobora kugera aho akarambirwa agatakaza ubwo bushake, cyane nko mu gihe yasaba ntahabwe.
Hagati aho, uwimanye nawe ashobora guhora yumva yahemutse, maze bombi bakubaka umwuka wo kubura ubushake.
Izindi mpamvu zirimo iz’amagara, amagara yo mu mutwe kuko ibi bituma gutera akabariro bidashoboka, bibabaza, bigorana, cyangwa bitanifuzwa.
Ubuzima buhuze, burimo akazi cyangwa n’abana, nabwo bushobora kuvana gutera akabariro muri gahunda, kimwe n’uko kutaganira kwa ‘couple’ nako kwangiza bwa bushake.
Nubwo izi mpamvu zishobora gutera ikibazo zitihariye ku kigero runaka cy’imyaka y’abantu, abahanga bamaze kubona impinduka mu babana bagira iki kibazo, kandi mu kihe kiciro cy’imyaka bagezemo.
Madamu Celeste Hirschman, umu-sex therapist w’i San Francisco umaze imyaka hafi 20 yakira ibibazo bitandukanye, agira ati: “Bisigaye bifata igihe gito kugira ngo ababana batangira kubura imibonano”.
Kuri we, yabonaga bifata imyaka 10 kugera kuri 15 ngo couple ihagarike imibonano mpuzabitsina. Ati: “Ubu, bishobora no gufata itatu kugera kuri itanu”.
Anderson, umaze imyaka 30 ari umu-sex therapist, avuga ko imyaka y’abagira iki kibazo cyo kubura imibonano yahindutse kuva igihe yatangiriye aka kazi.
Ati: “Mu myaka 30 ishize, nyinshi muri ‘couples’ navuraga kubura imibonano zari mu myaka 50 kuzamura”, babaga bagorwa no kugabanuka k’ubushake kubera imihindagurikire mu misemburo izanwa n’uburwayi nabwo buzana n’ubusaza.
Uyu munsi ariko, couples nyinshi ziri mu bibazo byo kubura imibonano Anderson avura ziri ku myaka 45 kumanura. Ati: “Impamvu zihari urebye zitandukanye n’izo kuri za couples z’abakuze.”
“Uburemere bwa stress”
Umujagararo (stress) ukabije ushobora kugera mu buzima bwa buri wese – kandi aba-millennials bo urabageramiye kurusha abandi. Lehmiller ati: “Stress ni kimwe mu byica libido kurusha ibindi. Kandi aba-millenials ni itsinda ry’imyaka rihura nayo kurusha ibindi bigero by’imyaka.”
Benshi mu ba millenials baba bageze mu kigero aho baba ari ababyeyi bashya cyangwa bafite abana bakiri bato, igihe gisaba byinshi mu buzima bwa muntu.
Ubushakashatsi bwo mu 2018 bw’ikigo Relate cyo mu Bwongereza, buvuga ko 61% by’abantu bari mu myaka ya za 30 bavuze ko bakoze imibonano micye kurusha iyo bakeneye kubera “abana bakiri bato bari mu nzira”, naho 31% bavuze ko “batakaje ubushake bwabo kuva babyara”.
Aba-millennials kandi baba bugarijwe no kugera ku ntego zikomeye, nko kugura inzu, ibiciro byatumbagiye muri iki gihe, hamwe no kwishyura amashuri y’abana babo, n’ibindi byinshi bisaba imari.
Gusa hejuru y’ibyo byose, henshi imiterere y’akazi n’aho gukorera muri iki gihe biri mu bitera stress irushijeho. Imibare yo mu bihugu bitanu yo muri Gicurasi (5) 2022 y’ikigo Deloitte gikora ubushakashatsi, ivuga ko 38% by’aba-millennials bavuze ko bafite ibibazo byo mu mutwe, by’umwihariko abagore (41%) ugereranyije n’abagabo (36%), biva ku munabi ukomoka mu kazi.
Imikorere ntabwo yigeze yorohereza cyangwa igabanya stress ku ba millennials, birumvikana. Lehmiller ati: “Urugero, benshi mu ba millennials batangiye akazi kabo mu bihe by’ubukungu bubi”. Ariko kandi hiyongereyeho icyorezo cya Covid-19 n’ingaruka zacyo ibintu birushaho kumera nabi.
Snyder avuga ko “mu bihe by’impinduka zikomeye mu ikoranabuhanga, abantu basa n’abarushaho gukora cyane.” Kandi nk’uko imibare ibigaragaza, aba-millennials ni abantu bakunda gukora cyane.
Gukora cyane kenshi biganisha ku gutagangara, ibyo bikaba byatuma ‘couples’ kenshi zihora zinaniwe cyane ku buryo hari icyo zakwimarira mu buriri umunsi urimo kurangira – ibintu inzobere zivuga ko bishobora guhama bityo iyo bibaye buri gihe.
Ikindi ni uko ubwoba bw’uko ibintu byifashe nabi mu bukungu burushaho kuzahaza ikibazo. Lehmiller ati: “Impungenge zikomeye ku bukungu iyo ziyongereyeho agahinda n’umunabi bishobora kuba impamvu ikomeye itanga stress no kugabanuka kw’ubushake bw’iminonano mpuzabitsina.”
Imbuga nkoranyambaga, pornography no kugabanuka kw’ubushake
Imbaraga za Interenet nazo zishobora kuboneka. Snyder avuga ko imbuga nkoranyambaga ari “ikirangaza” ku bikorwa by’umubiri by’abantu nka ‘sex’, ariko Hirschman atekereza ko uruhare rwazo mu gutera gutakaza imibonano ari rurerure cyane.
Madamu Hirschman avuga ko ba millennials aricyo kiragano cya mbere cyahuye kandi kikibasirwa no gukoresha cyane imbuga nkoranyambaga, cyane cyane “kwerekana isura”.
Abantu bumva bashaka kwiyerekana neza cyane kuri izo mbuga, nk’uko abivuga, bakoresheje za ‘filters’ zitari mu buzima busanzwe ngo zicyeshe cyane uko baboneka.
Uku kwihugiraho gukabije gushobora gukurikirana abantu no mu buriri bwabo no mu rushako rwabo, aho bituma bagira icyizere gicye mu mubiri wabo w’ukuri. Imibare ya cya kigo Relate yo mu 2018 ivuga ko 37% by’abari munsi y’imyaka 30 bafite ikibazo cy’imibonano micye n’abo babana bari bafite kandi ikibazo cyo guhugira cyane ku mibiri yabo.
Iruhande rw’imbuga nkoranyambaga, inzobere zemera ko pornography nayo yagize ingaruka zikomeye ku ba millennials, benshi muri bo bakuze mu gihe bene aya mashusho yari atangiye gukwira cyane kuri internet.
BBC
