Kugira ngo umusore n’inkumi bakundane urukundo rusugire maze bageze igihe cyo gushimana babane nk’umugabo n’umugore barambane, bisaba ibintu byinshi, gusa icy’ingenzi kurusha ibindi ni uko bombi bagira ibyo bamenyanaho mbere yo gukundana ngo bimariranemo.
Iyo mumaze kumenyanaho ibintu by’ingenzi nta wahishe undi icyo ari cyo cyose, amahirwe y’uko muzakundana bikaramba aba ari menshi kuko ibyo bintu muziranyeho usanga ari byo mushingiraho umubano n’urukundo gabo gore.
Ni ukuri ko kuba hari ibyo muhuje mukunda ibisa mukanahuza imyumvire kuri byose bishobora kurambirana kuko ngo kuba abantu batandukanye ari kimwe mu biryoshya bikanakomeza umubano wabo.
Nyamara mu kumenya ibyo undi akunda cyangwa yanga, bituma mumenyana kandi bikanaba igipimo gituma mumenya niba umubano w’urukundo rwanyu uzaramba cyangwa niba ari uw’igihe gito.
Rimwe na rimwe, usanga abatangiye gukundana cyangwa se n’abamaze imyaka mu rukundo bakora ku buryo bagira ibintu bahishana cyangwa bakiyoberanya ku byo batari byo cyane cyane iyo umwe afite inyungu ariko z’igihe gito ashaka ku wundi.
Wigeze ukundana n’umuntu nyamara ukabona ntashaka ko wamenyana cyangwa wahura n’abo mu muryango we, cyangwa inshuti ze n’abandi baziranye bya hafi?
“Niba umukunzi wawe adashaka ko umenya ibintu nk’ibyo by’ibanze kuri we, ni ikimenyetso mpuruza gikomeye ko urukundo rwanyu rushobora kutazaramba,” ni ko Leila Natacha Umuhoza yabibwiye ikinyamakuru The New Times.
Umuhoza agira na none kandi ati “Kugira ngo urukundo rw’ubu ruzarambe si ikintu cyoroshye na gato, kuko hari benshi barujyamo batagamije kururambanamo nawe, bakaba bimereye nka ba bagenzi baza bigendera, usanga icyo bashaka ari ukwishimisha by’igihe gito maze bakagenda.”
“Igihe umukunzi wawe agerageza kugira ibintu bimwe aguhisha, menya ko ibyo witeze mu rukundo ushaka ko ruzaramba hari ubwo bitazagenda ko ubyifuza kuko kurambagizanya cyangwa se kugira ngo ubane n’umuntu, ni ngombwa cyane ko ugira ibyo umumenyaho byose nubwo kwaba ari kwa kuri kuryana ,” ni ko Umuhoza akomeza abisobanura anavuga ko iyo ari ibibi umumenyeho umenya kandi ugafata umwanzuro niba ari ibyo uzihanganira cyangwa ukaba wanakuramo akawe karenge utararinda wimariramo uwo mutazagira icyo mugeranaho.
Mu nyandiko aherutse gushyira hanze, Todd Baratz, umuganga w’indwara zo mu mutwe w’ikimenyabenshi, akaba kandi inzobere ku mubano gabo gore, avuga ko hari ibintu birindwi abantu bakwiye gukora uko bashoboye bakamenyanaho kugira ngo umushinga w’urukundo rwabo uzarambe niba babaye n’ababana bazabane bishimye urugo rube koko nk’ijuru rito baririmba.
Rimwe na rimwe ibi bintu biganirwaho mu biganiro bisanzwe ariko kenshi abantu batinya kubivugaho kuko bikomeye cyangwa ko umwe mu bakundana akeka ko wenda byababaza umukunzi we cyangwa bigatuma abona ukundi uwo akunda, nyamara Baratz avuga ko ibintu by’ingenzi cyane mu rukundo buri babiri (couple) bakundana bakwiye kumenyanaho neza batagize ako basiga.
Ati “Sinkunda gukoresha ijambo ‘kugomba’ ariko ibi ni ibintu ukwiye kumenya. Uko umenyana n’umukunzi wawe ni ko urukundo rwanyu rugenda neza kurushaho. Ku bw’amahirwe make, bake muri twe duhabwa uburere bw’imibanire buteye ku buryo butatubashisha kumva twisanzuye ku kuganira ku byerekeye ibi bintu cyangwa se tugatinya kuba twabibazaho ibibazo ndetse twanabibazwaho, gusubiza bikaba ingorabahizi.”
“Hari ibintu wumva ko nuramuka ubibwiye umukunzi wawe azahita akwanga ku buryo kumufungurira umutima wawe wose ari ibintu bigorana cyane. Nyamara ni nk’itegeko. Birashoboka ko ibyo bintu ari ibyakubereyeho mu rugo cyangwa mu muryango ukomokamo cyangwa ahandi nko mu rukundo wabayemo ahahise, nyamara kutabihisha umukunzi wawe bizagufasha kwiyumvanamo no kwizerana.”
Ubwana bwanyu
Uko twabanye na bene wacu mu miryango n’abo tuva inda imwe mu ngo twavukiyemo cyangwa twarerewemo bigira uruhare cyane ku bantu tuba bo ubuzima bwacu bwose.
Buriya imibanire isa neza n’indi mu buzima ni uburyo twabanye n’abatureze tukivuka ndetse n’abo tubana dukuze. Bivuga ko uko warezwe kenshi bizagira ingaruka cyangwa bikagira uruhare ku buryo uzabana n’uwo muzashakana.
Uko umenya amateka yo mu bwana bw’umukunzi wawe na we akamenya ayawe, ni ko mwongera ubushobozi bwo kumvana no gutegana amatwi, mukamenya uko mwitwaranaho igihe mufitanye amakimbirane cyangwa hari icyatumye mugira ubwumvikane buke, bikabafasha noneho kumenya uko umwe yitwara ku wundi ngo mukemure ikibazo cyajyaga kubacamo igikuba.
Amateka y’urukundo
Ababiri bakundana (couples) ni ngombwa cyane umwe amenya amateka y’undi mu rukundo n’undi bikamera bityo. Hano hazamo ko umwe amenya ibyerekeye imibano umukunzi we yagize n’abo bakundanye, ndetse bakageza no ku mibanire yerekeye imibonano mpuzabitsina; ni ingenzi cyane.
Ni ngombwa ko umenya icyagenze neza, ikitaragenze neza mu rukundo umukunzi wawe yagiranye n’undi, ukamenya icyaba cyaramukomerekeje, n’icyo yaba ashima ku mukunzi we wa kera, amasomo mwembi mwigiye ku mibanire y’urukundo mwagiranye n’abandi.
Kuba umwe yamenya ahahise h’umubano w’urukundo mugenzi we yagiranye n’abandi ni ingenzi cyane kandi ni inkingi mushobora kubakiraho urukundo rwanyu rw’ejo hazaza.
Kumenya ibyo undi akunda n’ibimushimisha mu rukundo
Buri wese afite ibyo akunda cyangwa yishimira mu byerekeye uburyo yifuza gutanga no guhabwamo urukundo. Ni ngombwa ko ubibwira umukunzi wawe mu magambo atomoye kandi asobanutse, ukavuga ibikorwa wifuza, n’utundi tuntu tubyutsa ikibatsi cy’urukundo muri wowe ugakora uko ushoboye umukunzi wawe akabimenya.
Ukwiye guhoza mu mutwe wawe ibyo umukunzi wawe akunda bitewe n’imimerere arimo, igihe cy’umunsi n’aho ibihe bigeze. Bene aya makuru ni yo azagufasha kumushimisha no kumugerera ku byifuzo ndetse no kumwitaho “care” bikenerwa n’umukunzi wawe.
Kumenya ibyababaje cyangwa bigoye umukunzi
Niba ushaka ko urukundo urimo n’umukunzi wawe ruramba, nyabuna ntuzabure kumufungurira umutima cyangwa ngo ubure kumutega amatwi. Aha biravuga kumubwiza ukuri udaciye ku ruhande, niba hari ikikubabaje, kugira ngo utabigumana ejo bikabyara inzika izagurumana ikaba yabyara ishyano.
Koresha ineza ubwire umukunzi wawe aho yagutengushye, aho yakubabaje kandi nawe ntukamuce mu ijambo cyangwa ngo ugaragaze ubushake buke bwo kumutega amatwi igihe ababaye yifuza kukubwira uko wamukomerekeje.
Si byiza kandi niba agusabye imbabazi abikuye ku mutima nawe ukamubabarira kuzahora uzura akaboze umwibutsa uburyo yakubabaje hambere umucyurira.
Niba umukunzi wawe akubwije ukuri akamuri ku mutima kuri wowe kabone nubwo kakubabaza, ni igihe cyo guca bugufi, ukagira umutima kandi ukemera kugira ubushake bwo gukemura ikibazo ngo bene ikosa waguyemo utazarisubira ugakoza inkota mu nkovu.
Ibyifuzo ku ihuzabitsina, udukoryo n’udushya mu gutera akabariro…
Ubyemere cyangwa ubyange, imibanire yawe n’umukunzi wawe cyane cyane uwo muteganya kubakana urugo cyangwa mwubakanye ku byerekeye ihuzabitsina, ni inkingi ikomeye mu rukundo rwanyu. Igihe cyose izaba ijegajega, urugo rwanyu ruzaba rwubakiye ku musenyi.
Ukwiye kumenya ko umubano mwiza ushingiye ku ihuzabitsina hagati y’umugabo n’umugore ari ikintu cyubakwa. Aha rero mbere y’uko ibi bikorwa byahariwe abashakanye bibaho, ibiganiro bibyerekeye ni ingenzi cyane. Ntimukwiye gutinyana cyangwa kugirirana isoni igihe hari umwe wifuza kubiganirizaho mugenzi we.
Ni ingenzi cyane ko mubiganiraho ubwanyu aho kuba umwe yabijyana hanze bishobora kuvamo ingaruka zo gucana inyuma. Birakwiye ko umenya ikinyura umukunzi wawe mu gihe muri mu gikorwa cy’abashakanye, ni he umukora ikome rikamwakamo, ko wenda atari wowe wa mbere muzakorana imibonano mpuzabitsina, cyangwa hakaba hari andi makuru yaba yarakuye ahandi, ese ni akahe gashya cyangwa agakoryo yifuza kamunyura ngo ukamukorere maze umunyure? Ni ibintu mukwiye kuganiraho mwembi.
Ibi ni ibiganiro mugirana muganira ariko mukanagirana icyitwa vuga numve ariko iherekezwa na kora ndebe, ni ukuvuga ko udakwiye kubivuga gusa, ahubwo unabikora ubyereka umukunzi wawe akabibona akitoza kugushimisha.
Ni ikintu cyo kwirindwa kuba hari ibanga ryerekeye imibonano mpuzabitsina wamenera undi utari umukunzi wawe cyangwa ngo uribwire undi uwo ari we wese mbere y’uwo mwashakanye. Igihe iyi ngingo yagenze neza, ni gake umubano wanyu uzagira izindi kirogoya umwe muri mwe atakwihanganira.
Isi y’imbere ya buri wese
Buri muntu muri twe agira isi ye abamo yihariye imbere muri we. Usanga bitewe n’aho twirirwa mu kazi, ibyo tubamo, buri wese agira ibimubabaza cyangwa bimushimisha bituma yitwara mu buryo bushobora kubangamira cyangwa bukagora umukunzi we.
Uretse ibyo kandi, hari ibitekerezo biza mu buryo tutazi bishobora guhindura uko twabonaga ibintu. Ni ngombwa rero kutagira ibyo wihererana. Uzagire umuco n’akamenyero ko kwegera umukunzi wawe mbese umusure umubaze uko yiyumva, akubwire akamubabaje n’akamushimishije.
Ibi bituma umenya uko wamufasha igihe arwana intambara yihariye ziva ku bibazo n’ingorane ashobora kugira ukaba utazimenya.
Inzozi n’imigambi y’ejo hazaza
Inzozi ni icyo umwe muri mwe ashaka kuzaba cyo cyangwa kugeraho mu gihe imigambi y’ejo hazaza ari ibyo mugambirira gukora mu bihe bizaza. Iki ni ikintu mukwiye kumenyeshana no gusangizanya kuva ku munsi wa mbere mudahagarara.
Bwira umukunzi wawe ibyo warose usinziriye. Mubwire ibintu bikomeye bihambaye urota kuzakora mu kazi kawe n’umwuga ukora. Mubwire imigambi ufite y’uyu mwaka umwe, ibiri se, itatu, itanu, 10 cyangwa na 20. Ntukagire icyo umuhisha. Ni ikintu gituma yiyumva nk’umuntu muri kumwe mu nzira n’urugendo rw’ubuzima.
