Ibiganiro 5 byimbitse ukwiye kugirana n’uwo mukundana mbere yo kurushinga

Buri kintu cyose mu buzima kigira impinduka nyuma y’igihe runaka, iri ni ihame ry’ubuzima kandi urushako na rwo iri hame ntiryarusize.

Ababana nk’abashakanye muri ibi bihe hari ibibazo bahura na byo nyamara mu myaka yashize bitarabagaho. Iterambere mu ikoranabuhanga ni kimwe mu bintu bigira ingaruka ku rushako n’umubano w’abashakanye bitandukanye no hambere. Kubera iri terambere, ababiri bahisemo gushakana no kubakana urugo hari ibiganiro bagomba kwicara bakagirana nyamara bitarebaga abo mu bisekuru byabanjiririje iki turimo.

Ni ibiganiro by’ingenzi cyane bakwiye kugirana mbere yo kwambikana impeta, kandi nta rimwe bakwiye kubyirengagiza. Ni ibiganiro bihatse ukurambana kw’abagiye kubana nk’umugore n’umugabo.

Nk’uko inkuru y’urubuga lifehack.org ibivuga, mbere yo gushakana ngo babane dore ibibazo 5 umugabo n’umugore bakwiye kwibaza:

Ni gute tuzahangana n’ingorane tuzahura na zo twembi ?

Nk’uko twabivuze haruguru, abashakanye uyu munsi bugarijwe n’ibibazo abo mu minsi yashize batari banazi ko bizabaho. Ibi bibazo bishya bizana n’intambara n’amakimbirane abashakana bakwiye kwitega.

Abitegura kurushinga bagomba kugira umugambi w’uko bazakemura amakimbirane igihe azaba avutse cyangwa n’igihe azaba atavutse. Ibi bivuga ko bagomba kumenya n’uwo bazasaba inama igihe bizaba byabayobeye.

Abashakanye mu myaka yashize babaga mu miryango waba uwa hafi cyangwa uwo mu idini wayoboraga abagishakana ukabagira inama. Wasangaga inama bakura aha zibafasha gukemura amakimbirane yashoboraga kuvuka hagati yabo.

Abashinze ingo benshi muri iki gihe ntibagira uburyo nk’ubu bw’umuryango mugari ku buryo basa nk’aho ari bonyine ubwabo bogera mu ruzi rw’isi ihinduka uko bwije n’uko bukeye.

Abifuza gushinga urugo ubu baba bakwiye kuganira mbere yo kubana bakamenya icyo buri umwe atekereza ku kuba bagira umujyanama [therapist], umuyobozi mu idini cyangwa undi muntu bakwizeraho ubufasha bw’inama igihe ibintu byakomeye.

Ni uruhare rungana rute imiryango yacu izagira ku rugo rwacu ?

Hari ubushakashatsi bwakozwe na Pew Research Center bugaragaza ko uko imiryango ya kera yari iteye bigenda bihinduka nk’aho usanga hari abashakana buri umwe muri bo yarabyaye abandi bana bakomoka mu mubano umwe muri aba yagiranye n’undi mbere. Hamwe n’abana nk’aba-usanga baravutse ku wo mwashakanye mukaza gutana- usanga ibibazo bigendana na ‘divorce’ ari ibibazo bitari bihari mbere nk’uko bimeze ubu.

Abifuza kurushingana, bakwiriye kuganira uruhare imiryango izagira mu rugo rwabo bakanashyiraho imipaka ntarengwa mu rwego rwo kugabanya ibibazo bishobora kuza mu bihe bizaza. Iyo umwe mu bashinze urugo hari urundi rugo yabayemo nk’umugabo cyangwa umugore cyangwa akaba yarabyaranye mbere n’undi batagiye kubana, byanga bikunda hari ibibazo bishobora kuvuka bishingiye kuri iyo mimerere.

Ni byiza cyane kuba umwe mu bifuza kurushinga [bikunda kuba ku basore] kuba yaba afitanye umubano wa hafi cyane na nyina, akaba amara igihe kinini baganira cyangwa se ugasanga nk’umugore aracyafitanye ubucuti n’umugabo bahoze babana. Icyakora, iyi mibanire ishobora kuba nk’ihwa mu kirenge ku rugo rushya, kuko hari ubwo igihe umwe yakabaye agenera urugo n’umubano we n’uwo bashakanye usanga agitakariza ku bandi.

Abagiye kurushinga baba bakwiye kuanira ku kintu nk’iki n’uko bazacyitwaramo hanyuma.

Ese dufite icyerekezo kimwe cy’ahazaza ?

Nk’uko ubushakashatsi bwa Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts bubyerekana, imwe mu mpamvu zikomeye za gatanya ni “ukuba abantu babana nyamara badahuza.”

Urugero rwo kudahuza ni nk’igihe usanga abagiye kurushinga cyangwa abashakanye batumva kimwe ibyerekeye urubyaro, idini, ibitekerezo bya politiki, cyangwa uko buri umwe akoresha amafaranga. Ni yo mpamvu mbere yo kubana, bikwiye ko abagiye kurushinga baganira bakamenya niba bafite icyerekezo kimwe cy’ejo hazaza.
Icyerekezo kimwe ntikivuga gusa uko babona ibintu mbere yo kubana ahubwo n’icyo bombi bifuza kuremera hamwe bombi.

Ni gute bifuza kuzamarana igihe cyabo hamwe ahazaza? Ni he bifuza gutura? Ni ibihe bintu bumva bashaka kuzakorana?

Iyo abarushinganye badateranye imbere haba hari ibyago byinshi byo gutandukana. Rero usibye gusa kuganira ku buryo babona iki cyangwa kiriya mbere yo kubana, ni na byiza ko baganira ku buryo bumva ko ejo hazaza habo hazaba hasa.

Ese buri umwe muri twe azumva ibitekerezo bya mugenzi we abigendereho ?

Inyigo yakozwe na John Gottman na Neil Jacobson yasanze hari ikintu cy’ingenzi gituma ingo ziramba ari cyo “kwemera ibitekerezo by’uwo mwashakanye ukabyubaha’’. Ubushobozi bwo kwemera ibitekerezo by’uwo muzarushingana bufitanye isano no kumwubaha, ubushake ugira bwo kumva, no gufungurira ibitekerezo bye n’ubwo kutikanyiza ndetse ukemera kuganira ku byo utumva neza mu bwumvikane.

Abarushinganye aho umwe yemera gutega amatwi ibitekerezo bya mugenzi we kandi akabyubaha hari amahirwe ko bazarambana ndetse bakaba inshuti magara mu rushako rwabo.

Kwemera no kubaha ibitekerezo bya mugenzi wawe ntibivuga ko ugomba kwemera [bya ndiyo bwana] buri kintu cyose avuga cyangwa asaba. Bivuga ahubwo ko mwembi mugira ubushake bwo kugira aho muhuriza kandi mukubahana mu rugendo rwo gufata ibyemezo.

Mbere yo kurushinga, nubona uwo muteganya kurushinga ari umuntu udakurwa ku izima kabone “nubwo yaba ari mu mafuti” ndetse ugasanga ni wa muntu ukumenyesha gusa imyanzuro ku ngingo runaka aho kuyikubwira mbere yo kugira icyo ayikoraho ngo muyijyeho inama mwembi, aha uzamenye ko no mu rugo hari ubwo mutazashobokana binashobora gutuma urwanyu rutaramba.

Ese tubona dute imikoreshereze y’amafaranga n’imibonano mpuzabitsina ?

Nk’uko bivugwa, impamvu ebyiri ziza imbere y’izindi zitera ingo gusenyuka ni amafaranga ndetse n’imibonano mpuzabitsina ndetse kugira ngo ingo zirambe ibi bintu bintu bibiri ni ingenzi cyane. Kuganira kuri ibi bintu; amafaranga n’imibonano mpuzabitsina ni ingenzi cyane bitari gusa mbere yo kubana ahubwo n’igihe mwamaze kurushinga.

Inyigo yakozwe n’ikinyamakuru Family Relations, kutumvikana ku mikoreshereze y’amafaranga hagati y’abubatse ni impamvu ikomeye ishobora kubatera gutana. Mu gihe muri iyi minsi usanga benshi mu bagiye kurushinga bajya kubana bakuze cyangwa ugasanga umwe cyangwa bombi bagiye kurushinga, atari ubwa mbere cyangwa ubwa kabiri agiye kubaka urugo, amafaranga n’uburyo bwo kuyakoresha ni ingingo abagiye kubana baba bakwiye kuganiraho.

Mu gihe usanga abagiye kubana bakuze, abenshi usanga buri wese hari uko yakoreye amafaranga hakaba hari imitungo yibitseho noneho ugasanga kuzavanga ya mitungo no kumvikana uko izakoreshwa biba ikibazo.

Kuganira ntacyo muhishanya ni urufunguzo iyo mugerageza kuganira kuko amafaranga ashobora kuba adasobanura gusa umubare w’ayo runaka cyangwa nyirarunaka atunze. Ashobora kuba avuga ukubaho kwe, ubwoba, ubwigenge, ububasha, ubuyobozi, gutsindwa cyangwa intsinzi bitewe n’aho yavuye n’ubuzima yabayemo ndetse n’icyo azanye mu rugo.

Iyo abagiye kurushinga bataganiriye byimbitse ku mafaranga, bishobora gusiga icyuho mu mibanire yabo bikazagorana cyane kugisiba.

Nk’uko bimeze ku mafaranga, imibonano mpuzabitsina ishobora kuba idasobanura gusa kirya gikorwa aho abashakanye bahuza ibitsina ahubwo icyo buri umwe mu bagiye kurushinga yamenyeye mu mubano we wa mbere ku bitsina ni ikintu kiba gikwiye kwitabwaho mu rushako rushya.

Imibonano mpuzabitsina ishobora gusobanura ibintu bitandukanye mu rushako nk’urukundo, urwango, ubuhemu, kwemera umuntu uko ari, kwita ku wo mubana n’ibindi. Imibonano mpuzabitsina ishobora komora cyangwa igakomeretsa bitewe n’uko abashakanye bazayijyamo.

Iyo abagiye kurushinga bataganiriye mu buryo bukwiye ku mibonano mpuzabitsina bishobora gukomeretsa umwe muri bo, cyangwa umwe akazayikoresha ahunga mugenzi we maze aho kuba akabariro kubaka urugo ahubwo ikaba wa muhoro utizwa usenya urwe. Ntibitangaje kuba imwe mu mpamvu zitera gusenyuka kw’ingo imibonano mpuzabitsina itagenda neza iza mu z’imbere.

Aha rero ni iby’ingenzi cyane ko abifuza kurushinga baganira kuri iyi ngingo y’ibyo guhuza ibitsina mbere yo kubana.

Muri make

Kubaka urugo rugakomera rukaramba ni ibintu bikomeye cyane muri iyi minsi kurusha hambere. Ni na yo mpamvu usanga bamwe mu bakiri bato ubu bavuga ko batazashaka. Ubu rero kuganira byimbitse mbere yo kubaka ni ikintu cy’ingenzi kurusha uko byahoze.

Mu gihe gatanya usanga zitwara abazikoze amafaranga menshi, zikagira ingaruka zirambye cyane cyane ku bana b’abazikoze ndetse zigasiga ibikomere binatinda gukira, ni ngombwa cyane ko abifuza kurushinga bagira ibyo baganiraho mbere yo kubana kugira ngo bazagire urugo ruhire.

Kuganira ku ngingo zavuzwe haruguru n’izindi bishobora kuba intangiriro nziza.

Iradukunda Fidele Samson

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