Amanitse ukuboko kw’iburyo hejuru ukw’ibumoso gufashe ibendera cyangwa bibiliya, nta we uvuga ngo “Ndabyemeye” yumva urugo ashinze ruzasenyuka. Nubwo ingo nyinshi usanga hari abazishinga batabanje kujya mu nsengero (muri USA 7/1000 ni bo basezerana kubana akaramata mu madini), ingo nyinshi usanga zirangiriye mu butane “divorce”.
Hari ibimenyetso byinshi byerekana ko umubano w’abashakanye uri mu manegeka, ikibazo gisa ni uko abantu badatahura ibyo bimenyetso vuba ngo bakize ubwato bw’urugo rwabo burohama.
Iyi ni inkuru mbi kuko ubushakashatsi bugaragaza ko icyo buri wese wasogongeye ku ntango y’ubutane bw’abashakanye azi neza ari uko ubutane ari imbarutso ku bibazo by’ubuzima bwo mu mutwe ndetse no kugabanuka cyane kw’icyanga cy’ubuzima.
Ni ibihe bimenyetso mpuruza ko nta byishimo biri mu rugo rwa babiri bashakanye? Ni iki wakora ku mubano gabo gore wanze bikarangira urwabo rusenyutse? Ese hari icyo wakwigira ku bubatse bagasenya hanyuma? Ibisubizo by’ibi bibazo urabisanga muri iyi nkuru dukesha urubuga lifehack.org.
Ibimenyetso by’urugo rugana isenyuka
Si ngombwa kuba warabanje gutana n’uwo mwashakanye ngo umenye uko wakiza urugo rwawe gusenyuka. Niba wumva muri wowe ko ukeneye inama zagufasha kubaka rugakomera, wijya kure. Hano hari ibimenyetso 14 by’urugo rwubatse ku musenyi rutangiye guhuhwa n’imiyaga ku buryo umwanya uwo ari wo wose rwasenyuka:
- Wumva urambiwe kubana na we mu cyumba
- Muhora mu mpaka zidashira
- Wumva urota ku manywa kandi ubona ari iby’igikundiro muramutse mutakiri kumwe
- Si rimwe, si kabiri utekereza guca inyuma uwo mwashakanye
- Ibiganiro mugirana ntiwumva bigushimishije kandi mubikora nk’uganira n’umuyobozi we (nta nzenya, nta gutebya cyangwa gusererezanya museka, mbese murabikomeza mubigira intambara!!!!)
- Nta munezero uvana mu kumarana igihe
- Ntiwishimye, nta na rimwe
- Guhemukirana bimaze kuba nk’umuco mu rukundo rwacu
- Muhora mwitana ba mwana ku bibazo byanyu
- Ntimukiganira (communicate) ku bintu bitandukanye
- Ubuzima bwanyu bwerekeye ihuzabitsina buteye asyi, bugitera umutwe aho kuwugukiza
- Uwo mwashakanye arangwa n’amahane yaba avuga cyangwa agukorera ibikorwa bibabaza umubiri
- Hariho gusesagura umutungo w’urugo
- Mubanye gusa kubera abana.
Wabigenza ngo utabare urugo rwawe rurara rushya?
Niba hari icyo usomye mu bimenyetso nanditse haruguru ugasanga hari igisa n’ikiri mu rugo iwawe, urakenge, menya ko inkingi n’imbariro z’umubano wanyu zifatishije imigozi y’ibirere.
Ukwiye gushaka ubujyanama (counselling) ku kubaka urugo, shaka uko waharurira inzira zo kuganira, ndetse wiyemeze ko rimwe mu cyumweru uzajya ugira utya ugasohokana nijoro [Ah bon!!! cyangwa ku manywa] n’uwo mwashakanye. Mu mahanga babyita date night.
Byagaragaye ko ibi bizahura ukwiyumvanamo mu rukundo, ‘communication’, kandi bikagabanya ukurambirana kw’abashakanye. Umugabo n’umugore bakora date night ihoraho, hari amahirwe yo ku kigero cya 20% yo kutagwa muri gatanya ugereranije n’abatabikora.
Ariko se niba urugo rwanyu rwaramaze gusenyuka? Dore amasomo 8 Wakwigiramo. Anareba abatarasenya cyangwa abatarashaka
Birumvikana ko nta ko bisa uramutse ushoboye gukiza urugo rwawe rwasenyukaga. Ariko nubwo waba utaragize amahirwe rugasenyuka, hari amasomo 8 ibi byakwigisha akanabera akabarore wowe usoma iyi nkuru utarubaka cyangwa utarasenya.
1. Telefoni ishobora kuba icyishi
Ikintu kimwe gatanya zo muri iki gihe zakwigisha ni akamaro ko kwigiza telefoni yawe hirya. Wari uzi ko mu bushakashatsi bumwe ku mikoreshereze ya telefoni z’inziramugozi, bamwe mu bagize 1 muri ‘couples’ 10 biyemereye ko bajyaga kuri ‘smartphone’ bari mu gikorwa cy’imibonano mpuzabitsina?
Abandi 85% by’abakoresha smartphone bavuga ko bakoresha iki gikoresho bavugana n’inshuti n’imiryango.
Ubushakashatsi bugaragaza ko aba ‘multitaskers’ (nka bamwe bakoresha telefoni banareba icyarimwe televiziyo cyangwa baganira n’undi) ari abantu bita gake ku bandi [si abanyampuhwe ugereranije n’abadateye batyo].
Ubwo bakoreshaga ibyuma bya MRI bifotora ubwonko, byagaragaye ko ikigero cy’ubushobozi bwo kwibanda (concentration) ku kintu kimwe buri mu gace gato k’inyuma k’uruhu rw’ubwonko kitwa cortex ari gito. Aka gace ka cortex ni ko kagenzura imikorere y’igenzura ry’imitekerereze, amarangamutima ndetse n’impuhwe.
Abantu bagira batya mu gihe bari kumwe n’abo bashakanye cyangwa bakundana bakabareka bajya kuri telefoni (bizwi nka “phubbing” cyangwa “phone snubbing”) bafite ibyago byinshi byo gutana na bo.
Ijambo Phubbing nk’imvugo ryahimbwe n’abakozi bandika inkoranyamagambo mu kizwi nka Macquarie Dictionary aho basobanura phubbing nk’akamenyero ko guhitamo kwita (guha ‘attention’) kuri telefoni usize uwo mwashakanye cyangwa inshuti.
Inyigo zerekana ko phubbing [soma Fabingi] igira uruhare rutaziguye mu kugabanya ukunyurana kw’abashakanye (marital satisfaction) ndetse no kongera agahinda gakabije (depression).
Iyi myitwarire yo kureka umuntu ukigira muri telefoni ni umuzi w’ibibazo byinshi by’imibanire. Uwabaswe n’iyi ngeso ‘Phubber’ (soma faba) atuma phubbee [soma fabi]- ni ukuvuga urekwa n’uwo bari kumwe yigiriye muri telefoni) yumva yirengagijwe, asuzuguwe akumva kandi muri we atanyuzwe n’umubano rimwe na rimwe yanzwe.
2. Gushimira ni ingenzi
[Rimwe mu magambo abiri nabwiwe akomeza urugo abashakanye badakwiriye kubura kubwira ni Thank you “Urakoze”].
Ubushakashatsi bwerekana ko ababana bagaragarizanya gushimirana ikigero cyo kumva banyuzwe n’umubano kiri hejuru kurusha abandi.
Aba kandi bishimira ukuganira kwiza kurushijeho, kumva bahamye mu rukundo, gushora mu mubano wabo, ubwiyunemo mvarukundo, ubufatanye ndetse n’ubwiyagure. Gushimira mu babana bwongera ukunyurwa mu mubano kuko bitera ushimirwa na we kwigana icyo kimenyetso cy’ubugiraneza na we ashimira mugenzi we, uba watangije igikorwa cyo kwerekana ko ashimira (gratitude).
Gushimira na none bituma ubikorewe yumva asubijwe ndetse n’umuco w’akebo kajya iwa Mugarura, aho ababana cyangwa bitegura kurushinga basubizanya ku byifuzo byabo, bibavuye ku mitima kandi.
3. Kuganira (communication) ni ingenzi cyane
Mu gusaba inama zo kubaka, akenshi twumva ko ‘communication’ ari wo musingi wo gukomera k’umubano kandi ibi ni ukuri.
Ikigero cyawe cyo kuganira kigaragaza uburyo wowe n’uwo mwashakanye cyangwa muzashakana muzabasha gukemura amakimbirane, uburyo ubucuti bwanyu mu rushako bushinze imizi ndetse n’uburyo mwembi mushaka mu mitima yanyu kubana.
Inyigo kandi zerekana ko iyo muganira neza bituma igituma ihuzabitsina ryanyu riba uburyohe koko ndetse bikongera inshuro umugore arangiza ‘orgasm’ iyo mukora icyo gikorwa cy’abashakanye.
Mu wundi mubano uzagira cyangwa urugo uzubaka, uzashake umuntu udatinya kukwitaho (kuguha attention) atagabanije, ukumva atagucagagura mu ijambo, ushaka uburyo mwakemurana ibibazo nk’ikipe ndetse ukunda kukubwira uko umunsi we wiriwe.
4. Ibyishimo byawe si ibyo gufatwa minenegwe
Kwibanda ku byishimo byawe no kwigirira impuhwe si akantu gato kandi si ukwikunda by’abanyabugugu (selfish).
Birumvikana ko iyo ukunda runaka, uba ushaka kumutetesha mu marangamutima no ku mubiri. Uba ushaka kumutotobeka ubwitaneho ‘attention’, urukundo ‘affection’ n’icyubahiro ‘respect’.
Ibi bintu ubundi biza bitinginzwe, ni kamere turemanye na yo. Gusa kugeza igihe ubibonera, ugomba gushaka wowe ibikuraje ishinga ku giti cyawe.
Shaka umuntu ugufata akuguyaguya, ukubaha kandi wumva udasanzwe. Shaka umuntu ugusetsa. Inyigo zerekana ko ama ‘couples’ asekera hamwe haba hari amahirwe menshi kurushaho yo kugumana. Ababiri bayagize bumva bafite ubufasha buruseho iruhande rwabo ndetse bakumva banyuzwe n’umubano wabo.
Icyakora, ni iby’ingenzi kumenya ko mutagomba guhata inseko ngo musekane imbereka ahubwo mukongera amahirwe atuma museka mutabiteguye kandi mugasangira ibitwenge.
Koroshya ibintu, kongera gusura ahantu muhurira mugaseka, gukinana imikino isekeje no guhimba inkuru zisekeje z’imbere mu rugo rwanyu cyangwa ku bintu muziranyeho ni ibintu bibafasha kujya musetsanya bitari ibihatano ndetse no guteza imbere umubano wanyu.
5. Menya ibitihanganirwa kuri wowe
Niba warubatse rugasenyuka, ubu ndabyumva ko uzi neza ibiranga cyangwa ibyiza (qualities) udashaka ko undi muzabana yabura.
Ni byiza kumenya ibyatuma usenya utakwihanganira. Aho kujya mu rukundo utekereza ko wabasha guhindura imico udakunda y’undi, shaka ahubwo uwo muhuje ibyifuzo n’ibyo mukunda.
Urugero, uri umuntu ukunda gusenga wifuza kubana n’umuntu muhuje imyizerere? Niba ari ibyo, wituza. Inyigo zerekana ko ababana bahuje imyizerere y’iby’umwuka baba bashobora ku rugero rurenzeho kubona umubano wabo nk’udasanzwe kandi bagafatana neza kurusha abadasangiye imyumvire mvamadini (cyangwa iy’iyobokamana).
6. Ntushobora guhindura umuntu
Ibibazo byinshi bivuka iyo abitegura kurushinga bibwira ko nibamara gushakana, uwo bakundana azahindura imico ye. Aha data!!!
Niba nawe utekereza utyo, wacyishe!!! Imwe mu nama zikomeye z’urushako igira iti: Umurongo wa nyuma, ntushobora guhata umukunzi wawe guhinduka. Ni we ubwe wabikora.
Niba uri mu mubano mushya n’umuntu, ukwiye gukora ibishoboka ugakunda ibyiza ndangamuntu [qualities] bye kandi ukaba rwose ushobora kwihanganira ibisa n’inenge ze [n’ubundi nta mwiza wazibuze uretse Imana, kandi si umuntu]. Impamvu ni uko ibyago byinshi, ntabwo izi nenge ari ikintu yapfa guhindura vuba aha!
7. Sigasira ubucuti
Rimwe mu masomo ahambaye ushobora kwigira ku bantu bakundanye bakaza gutandukana ni akamaro ku gusigasira ubucuti ufitanye n’abandi bantu, mbese abo mwahoze muri inshuti.
Iyo tugiye mu rukundo rufatika cyangwa twubatse, biba bishoboka ko dusunika inshuti zacu n’imiryango ‘tukabata mu bisheke’. Nyamara icyo twirengagiza, ni uko nyuma ya byose, n’ubundi, turi mu rukundo.
Mu buryo bwa kamere, dushaka tutabihata kumarana igihe cyacu n’aba ‘cheries, sweethearts’ bacu. Nyamara ukwiye gufata aya magambo nk’inama yubaka urugo- Mu rukundo rwanyu nibyanga, ni nde uzaba ahari wo kugufasha?
Inyigo zerekana ko ubufasha uhabwa n’inshuti n’imiryango nyuma yo gutana n’uwo mwashakanye, cyangwa gushwana n’uwo mukundana cyangwa irindi hungabana ryose zishobora koroshya umubabaro wo mu mutwe. Niba utarubatse ngo ukomeze kandi usigasire imibanire yawe n’abo ukunda, uziyumva uri wenyine nyuma yo gutandukana n’uwo mwakundanye.
8. Imibonano mpuzabitsina ni ifatizo ry’urugo rwishimye
Kimwe mu bimenyetso mpuruza ko umubano wawe n’uwo mwashakanye n’ubundi utari burambe ni igihe imibonano mpuzabitsina itagendaga neza muri uwo mubano.
Ahari byakumvikana nk’ibitari ukuri mvuze ko niba mudakora imibonano mpuzabitsina, nta rugo ruzima mwubatse. Ariko tekereza kuri ibi bintu:
Kunyurwa mu ihuzabitsina ni ikintu cyo ku rwego rwo hejuru gituma ubwiyumvanemo ndangamitima bubaho mu bashakanye. Abagabo bavuga ko bumva bishimiye urushako rwabo igihe bahaza abagore babo mu buriri. Ubu bukururane ndangamitima butera ibyishimo mvarushako, ubucuti muri rusange, gutekana mu mitima ndetse n’intege nke wumva ufite k’uwo mubana bigutera gutinya kumubura.
Umusemburo wa oxytocin [soma ogisitosine] uvuburirwa mu bikorwa by’ubukururane mvamibiri nko gusomana…ni ngombwa cyane ngo urugo rurambe.
Uyu musemburo wa oxytocin ukora umurimo wo kugabanya umujagararo (stress), kongera uguhuza hagati y’abashakanye, kuzamura icyizere, ugabanya kandi umuhangayiko ndetse ukora nk’ikinini kamere kigabanya agahinda (antidepressant) mu bagore.
Muri make
Nukurikiza izina nama z’urushako, ushobora kumenya ibimenyetso mpuruza by’uko urugo rwawe ruri ku buce kugira ngo ushobore kugerageza kurutabara amazi atararenga inkombe. Washobora yewe no kurinda umubano wawe ukurikira gusenyuka na none nyuma yo kumenya neza impamvu urugo rwasenyutse.
Kuba warubatse rugasenyuka ntibisobanura ko urukundo rutarangwa mu makarita ukarya, ahubwo ni ingenzi kwigira ku makosa yo mu mibano yo mu gihe cyahise.
Urarwubake cyane!!!
Iradukunda Fidèle Samson
